The Grip 69
The 69 BEST SONGS for Doin’ the Nasty...
. . . with your tape-complin’ love man
Vitamin Eli Lake
It's 3 am. The room smells like stale Chinese food, Patchouli incense and Drakkar Noir.
As you make your way from the bed to the tape player, you navigate a field of half-empty Bacardi breezers, an opened container of mango body butter and that lime green bra you like so much on her.
So what's you reachin for, trucker?
Al Green, that Belle record.
Don't need to explain it to me, I've been there. Called her on Thursday for Chinese and a video on Saturday. Before you know it, she can't finish the moo-shoo and you've lost interest in Ghostbusters. Two witty remarks and one lip-lock later you two are horizontal. You start to move in synch with the Ray Parker Jr. emitting from the TV. It's on.
After sex that was just too good to be confined by a baseball analogy or euphemism for losing one's sanity, you need to hear the Reverend. Sunday morning is a scant 3 hours away, and at least Al's gotta be with God and not the girl.
So fold up this article immediately and tuck it neatly into the hip pocket of your terry cloth bathrobe.
And while your at it, toss out that February issue of Vibe with the limp Top 50 Love Songs list, unless you wanna get stuck with an $80 florist bill and a date that slips out of bed to finger up with "Pacific Blue" re-runs.
So, yeah, a clarification: This essay will not celebrate our love tonight.
This treatise will not make you feel like a natural woman.
Nor will it always love you, always and forever, my lady. It’s Grip’s list of the 69 Best Songs for DOIN’ THE NASTY!!!!-- E.L.
69) Kool and the Gang--"Summer Madness"
Before they penned the Koran-inspired Bar Mitzvah anthem/Phillies theme song "Celebrate," the gang were actually kind of Kool. "Madness," looped with far more chart success by Fresh Prince, is the gang's in-and-out opus.
68) Led Zeppelin--"Kashmir"
In Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Mark Ratner's friend Demone was right and wrong. It is in fact a class move to order the same dish as your date. But Led Zep IV is terrible make out music; fortunately, Rat put this on instead.
67) Color Me Badd-- "I Wanna Sex You Up"
This San Antonio quartet will be remembered only as a place holder between New Kids On The Block and the Backstreet Boys in the rich history of talentless tiger-beat sensations. But these one hit wonderfuls recorded a keeper in "Sex You Up:" Combining Lodi-Dodi's "Tick, tock you don't stop" with doo-wop is a stroke of genius. Can't front on the white boy's hair either.
66) "Mahogany"-- Eric B. & Rakim
Deconstructing Rev. Al Green’s "So Glad You’re Mine," our duo reaffirm an ageless groove, readymade for knee knocking. To wit:
65) Al Green-- "So Glad You're Mine"
Two heartbeats away from being a love song, but the sneaky double drum line puts it squarely on the lust side of the slow jam continuum. The subtle difference comes out in the closing refrain. Reverend Al does not say he's thankful for your love. He's thankful for your lovin'. You can learn a lot from a gerund.
64) Velvet Underground-- "Some Kinda Love"
A dialogue "between thought and expression" by Margarita and Tom, with Lou playing both roles.
63) Prince-- "Rock Hard In A Funky Place"
Salty banana cologne, yeah. You don't need to be told that Prince is this genre's Da Vinci.
62) Barry White-- "Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe"
"I’ve heard some people say that too much of anything is bad / Well, I don’t know about that. . ." See #22.
61)Wings-- "Hi Hi Hi"
McCartney staved off a BBC ban by insisting the song is about sex, not drugs. Let's call him on it. And let's make this our special tribute to Linda.
60) Deniece Williams-- "Let's Hear It For The Boy"
Think about the feeling you get on the car ride home from her house. Sex is not just nerve endings, friction and warm fluids. It's mental, to be exact, it's ego. And nothing congratulates more than "He may be no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one man show, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's hear it for the boy." 'Cause godammit huckabee, you're not just the boy, you're the man, tonight.
59) Isley Brothers-- "Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight"
The Isleys made a living in the early 70s by squeezing juice from otherwise flavorless tunes penned by their white peers. James Taylor's original conjures flaccid images of cream-colored turtlenecks, VW Rabbits and EST seminars. Ernie and his brothers turn it into an alarm clock commencing the begging hour.
58) Astrud Gilberto-- "Quiet Night Of Quiet Stars"
If she sang it in Portugese, Astrud could turn "Highway To Hell" into an orgiastic call-to-arms.
57) Eddie Harris-- "Illusionary Dreams (live in Chicago)"
There is precious little research on the effect of chemical aphrodisiacs on the act, and even less on the aural variety. If the scientists at Uptown Records ever get hard proof in this field, they'll find it here. 13 minutes, four chords and muted sunburst solos.
56) Manfred Hubler & Siegfried Schwab--"The Six Wisdoms of Aspasia"
From the soundtrack to 1969's Vampyros Lesbos. When deciding between soul,
funk, jazz and a 60s Euro-Porn soundtrack, do consider the aesthetic sensibility
(not to mention ethnic origin) of your partner. If she asks lots of questions, avoid this one.
55) Dusty Springfield-- "Son of a Preacher Man"
From a classic album crammed with sultry stunners (Dusty in Memphis) comes this unabashed ode to premartial sex (with a Baptist preacher’s son, no less); while Jerry Falwell worries about Gay TeleTubbies, it’s vixens like Dusty’s deflowering damsel he should be concerned about.
54) Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birken-- "Je T'aime"
En francais! Supposedly recorded while the two were may-keeeng lufff in the studio. Get the 18 minute version.
53) Diana Ross-- "Love Hangover"
Shedding her "baby love" persona, Dame Diana reinvents herself for the Disco Age as a nymphomaniac who can’t get enough. "Think about it all the time / Can’t get it out of my mind. . . " Her moans on the Disco 12" sound more convincing than Serge and Jane.
52) R. Kelly-- "Bump N Grind (Old Skool Remix)"
The original version is lick-you-up- and-down New Jack drivel. But the remix is tight. Kelly steals the beat from under the Isley Brothers. But you have to give him credit for twisting the Five Stairsteps lyric into "Ooh ooh child, things are gonna get a little freakier."
51) Ice T.-- "L.G.B.N.A.F.T."
There are some things we just can't say to our bed partners, like, "damn girl, did you learn that from your sister?," or "I'm not going down there until you wash yourself properly." Ice had this concept in mind when he bluntly declared, "Let's get butt-naked and fuck tonight."
50) The Staple Singers-- "I’ll Take You There"
The earthiest of Gospel groups-- a family-- score on the ‘70’s pop charts with a take-a-solo groove that has all the sensuality of a committed group orgy. Sister Mavis exorts her siblings to "take me now. . . take me" with such feral passion that there can be no question where she’s going; on the longer album version she arrives many, many times, gruntin’ all the while. The kinkiest part of all this is when Pops takes a solo-- Mavis moans "Daddy. . . oh, daddy, daddy, play it now" and, yes, he does indeed take her there.
49) Barry White-- "Oh Love, Well, We Finally Made It"
A quintessential Barry scorcher, with porn score sax underlining a particularly aggressive croon from the big fella: "Well, I don’t give a DAMN if it would’ve taken forever" to get together with that lady, the Big Man says.
48) Johnny Burnette & Rock & Roll Trio-- "Train Kept A-Rollin"
Once the pedal's to the metal, the truest beat is the rockabilly beat.
47) John Coltrane--- "Central Park West"
A Fuck supreme.
46) Frankie Beverly and Maze-- "Joy and Pain"
Included for the dominatrix set, in lie of the bad-trip inducing "Venus In Furs." While neither joy nor pain are anything like sunshine or rain, the mellow tick-tock percussion is just right for the get down on the get down.
45) High Llamas-- "Nova Scotia High Ball" If you time it so, the climax coincides with the foamy blips and beeps at the end, you get 25 extra points, lover.
44) Chico Debarge-- "Virgin"
The black sheep of the first family of Huxtable-funk spent many months in the joint when he conceived this nasty ditty. But unlike Slick Rick James Brown, his time in the pen actually nurtured his artistic ability. "Just for the smell of it." If you're in Philly, check out his billboard hawking Remy Martin at the corner of Midvale and Kelly Drive.
43) Hall and Oates-- "One on One"
If you follow Daryl Hall's metaphor toits logical conclusion, assuming that one-on-one is not a reference topick-up basketball, then the phrase "I'm tired of playing on the team,"could only mean the blue eyed soul stirrer has grown weary of orgies between maneaters.
42) Tribe Called Quest-- "Bonita Applebum"
This song is not about a prettyJewish-Mexican girl named Bonita Applebaum. Translated from Spanish and London slang it means gorgeous apple-shaped ass. The sitar break isnaughty. "Satisfaction, I have the right tactics / and ifyou need 'em I
got crazy prophylactics."
41) Funkadelic-- "Icka Prick"
Any album titled The Electric Spanking Of War Babies is going to be bedroom ready. As George Clinton says in the intro, this song is gri-fil-thy. One of the stickiest grooves the mothership labs ever laid down. Yuckafucka-muscle-cunt.
40) Beastie Boys-- "Lighten Up"
A smoky vamp with a whispered vocal, andthe urgent throb of expectant bongos. Bordello jungle music.
39) Smokey Robinson-- "Quiet Storm"
With few exceptions, almost every bigcity's urban contemporary programming block between 11 pm and 5 am is namedfor Smoke's '75 classic. If it works for Venus Flytrap, it shouldn't be a problem for you.
38) Stephen Stills-- "Love The One Your With"
I don't know what doves-and-eagles-flying-together has to do with bumpin' uglies, but ifyou're on a ski-trip and Brad couldn't make it, the lyrics let you knowwhat's up
37) Atlantic Starr-- "Secret Lovers"
If you're having second thoughts aboutstealing your girl's man, I recommend adopting the sophistry of A-starrHow can something so wrong be so right? There are two great songs aboutillicit romance, Billy Paul's "Me and Mrs. Jones" and this one. But Mrs. Jones is about holding hands and making all kinds of plans.
36) Prince-- "If I Was Your Girlfriend"
Works well for both sexually ambiguous brothers and honeys of the cheating variety. The wedding bells intro ismisleading, this track is not about fidelity. Props to the artist for releasing it as the first single on a record loaded with radio-ready hits.
35) Maxwell-- "Till The Cops Come Knockin"
If you've just sold $300,000 worth ofcrystal meth and you're celebrating the moment with your special someone,make sure to put Max's paean to outlaw love on the stereo. If you just abducted some unsuspecting groupie and locked her down in your basement, this song is also appropriate. "Gonna take you in a room sugar / and lock you upin love for days / We're gonna be rockin / Till the cops come knockin." Release your inner super-freak.
34) The Zombies-- "Smokey Day"
Not everyone whips out their best moves late at night!
33) The Time-- "Gigolos Get Lonely Too"
Prince contributed a number of elementsto the fuck-song style, but his best contribution is the intimate dropbeat first heard on "International Lover" and perfected on this track.Morris Day's vocals reach a torrent falsetto, as he sermonizes on the downside of being such a player.
32) Michael Jackson-- Last 3 songs on Thriller
An overlooked sizzler, "Human Nature" isM.J.'s "Blame It On The Bossa Nova," explaining away your carnal instincts with anthropological precision. "P.Y.T." is
self-explanatory, starting with pillow talk and ending with LaToya leading the pretty young things in nah, nah, nah,nah. And "The Lady In My Life" is just glorious. It's hard to imagine he took Webster to the Grammys that year.
31) Salt 'n' Pepa-- "Push It"
This once got an entire High School cheerleading squad (in California, no less) expelled. Don't you wish you had seen THAT routine?
30) Janet Jackson-- "Let's Wait A While"
If you've never suckled and fondled to this song with the knowledge that you are going all the way, I highly recommend it. Let's wait a while? I don't think we can. We'll talk about Judeo-Christianity's un-natural obsession with virginity later.
29) Donovan-- "Superlungs My Supergirl"
Naughty naughty! Not only is theflowery one reaching for the high school set, but he's touting his chickybaby's ability to hold her weed. And that's not even addresssing the super-power issue.
28) Roger & Zapp--"Computer Love"
For a movie about gangsters, New JackCity had a surprisingly humpable score. This song predicted the Internet adult chat rooms, porno-web-sites and sex robots.
27) Kraftwerk-- "Computer Love"
And this one did too, in 1980.
26) The Dells-- "Stay in My Corner "
You could mistake this phase-shifting,time-twisting doo-wop ballad as a "love song," but the soft-to-hard-to bombastic mood swingery (which reaches a screeching,electric-guitar-and-vocals peak that one could only describe as orgasmic) betrays the cooing sentiment as a freaky-deakycome-on. Something much more primal and physical than holding hands and 'staying in your love one's corner 'is at play here-- this is a song about the oldest line in the book. And ladies beware, the Dells' psych-soul Mickey Finn arrangement is potent enough to work every time.
25) Sade-- "War of the Hearts"
Sade was a much needed antidote toLuther Vandross on urban adult contemporary radio in the mid- to late-80s. Luther is a large, unsexy man who foolishly traded artistic authenticityfor glossy sax arrangements and a ham sandwich. Sade is our generation's Aphrodite incarnate who can stiffen nipplesjust by reading a newspaper.
24) Marvin Gaye-- 'Sexual Healing'
When the 24-hour-a-day hedonism of Lets Get It On turns the burned-out Player into a limp lover, it's time for expert therapy. And this exquisite mid-tempo grinder from Gaye's final LP is the aural equivilent of Viagra...
23) TV Action Jazz (Side 2)
If Pat McGeehan's success rate with this album was any higher, they'd have to give him his own UPN series.
22) Isley Brothers / Notorious B.I.G.-- "Between The Sheets / Big Poppa" Here, the Definition of a Player A man who fills his belly with T-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape and still manages to get the menage action in a Jacuzzi while smoking a joint. We will miss the notorious one-- rappers like Big gave all kinds of hope to chubby people.
21) Bee Gees--"Fanny (Be Tender With My Love)"
Those less secure in their masculinity might'vegone for the disko thumperz, but this poignant ballad will surely impress the ladies with your sensitive side.
20) Prince-- "Come (remix)"
He asks an 18- year-old admirer if she ever heard the one about the pinwheel. Apparently, it's 360 degrees ofHead.
19) Stereolab-- "The Stars Our Destination"
Another red song from another red world.No wonder Mark Leta's copy of Mars Audiac Quintet made the rounds of greater Charlottesville and came back smelling like rose incense.
18) L.L. Cool J.-- "Doin It Well"
There are two other great LL doin'the nasty songs and "I Need Love" is not one of them, contrary to thatFebruary edition of Vibe. When the rhythm is established by repeating asample of a porn-actress praising your performance, it doesn't matter ifshe's not from Queens and you're not from Brooklyn. The other two "BackSeat of My Jeep" and "I'm The Type of Guy."
17) Love-- "She Comes In Colors"
Damn right Mick ripped you off, Arthur!
16) Rolling Stones-- "Like A Rainbow"
. . . but that doesn't mean the Stones'most psychedelic single isn't Arthur Lee & Love's bedroom equal. Hey, evenPat Nixon was coming in colors in 1967.
15) TLC-- "Red Light Special"
All the late night R & B radio shows notnamed Quiet Storm are named the Red Light Special, a "new classic," like Bachelor Party on TNT. About three women who run a bordello full of gigolos. If that's what it takes to get with Chilly, I'm there.
14) Beat At Cinecitta, Vol. 1
Yup; the whole record. But if the editors make us choose between these 60's Italio woody-teasers and pick one cut,we'll go for "Anna's Entrance."
13) Mad Cobra-- "Flex"
Popular reggae music was a sexualwasteland from 1987-on until Cobra hit the scene in 1993. For a while itseemed Jamaicans were content to re-record our nation's soft-rock pabulumover Casio-tone samba beats as payback for Eric Clapton.
12) Original soundtrack-- Bo Bolero
You get Ravel on the inside, and BoDerek's wet nipples on the outside jacket.
11) Issac Hayes-- "Never Can Say Goodbye"
Because sometimes, (song) length doescount!
10) Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birken--"69 Annee Erotique"
How cool to have been doing the 6-9 in'69.
2 thru 9) Marvin Gaye--Let's Get It On (all of it)
The first side ends with "Keep GettingIt On," so it's pretty obvious what Messrs. Gaye and Fuqua had in mind.Only problem is that "Distant Lover," while beautiful, really does a disservice to college freshmen who stayed with their high school sweeties.
... and 1) Prince-- "Insatiable"
Diamonds and Pearls would be one of TAFKAÕs weakest records if itweren't for this song. It's the Muhammad Ali of the category, thegreatest. He steals the first phrase from Teddy P, "Turn the Lights off, strike a candle" and takes it to places Teddy couldn't fathom. Heavoids naming his and his partner's privates by substituting a stunning gasp and two beat horn break. Joy.
(Got a favorite of your own for our sequel tothe Grip 69?? Send Ôem to Grip Monthly at PO BOX 19, Charlottesville, Va. 22902).