Re: the future... dig it.

Are you receiving? The year is 2095, the name is still (the cryogenically preserved head of) Big Glenn-<zzt>-n-n-n-n-<squak!> Danzig, over here in the discount freezer, behind the frozen-pea analogue and next to the similarly preserved head of Rush Limbaugh... whom I keep trying, Sisyphus-like, to head-butt (for I am but head)... and what up? Say you want the future? Big Glenn Danzig knows some future.

Fr’example, all y’all politicos... wondering who won the big race that’s being predicted back in yer so naīve time? The big one that’s supposed to pit Rudy "Must Be Jam Cause It Don’t Shake Like" Giuliani against Hillary Clinton? Oh boy, it was a real barnburner... right down to the wire.

And the winner was: the newly formed Appalachian Liberation Army, led by a well-chuffed Jeff Gordon, who came through with their promise to raze all of New Jerk to the cold, cold ground with moonshine Molotov cocktails less’n the powers that be (fucking Yankees, all of them) get rid of the stuff in auto-quality nitrous what gives you a headache whenever you try to snort it... the smouldering slag that once was the Big Apple (and don’t let’s forget Little Poland, out in Brooklyn there) bears mute testament to the fact that Jeff Gordon is ruthless, and also, the fastest Christian on Earth... in other political turnabouts, Jesse "The Mind" Ventura stepped down from office somewhere around mid-1999, saying the whole thing was a big, silly fraternity prank that got out of hand. We can blame those god-damn Dekes for that one... on a lighter note, here’s a laff-riot. Remember the big fashion trend of 2007: screw-on kneepads? They screwed right into yer kneecaps? Of course not... you haven’t been there yet. Where is my mind...

Oh, the view from 2095, the view, is exhilarating (when it’s not obscured by frozen lunar-"leek" analogue)... looking back on pop culture, we were all amazed when the Beatles finally reformed in 2017. You don’t want to know how... President Ventura was involved, and the less you ask around him, the better... ditto not asking-wise about the re-emergence of Jon-Benet Ramsey, who it seems was not murdered by Shriners after all but rather, in the words of the poetess, wanted to be left alone. Seems she shacked up with Michael Jackson, who, in a bizarre twist, had died in 1997. He was then skinned, and said skin was inhabited by Bubbles, who was apparently the real brains behind Never-Never Land, or whatever the hell he called it. The ALA torched that place too, round about 2012, as they marched their inevitable march towards the Pacific...

In religious news, you’ll soon find out about Pope Jesse X and his insidious plans to abolish abstinance, which will later be revealed as yet another fraternity prank... and also, everyone is gonna be really embarrased when it comes to be known that The Rapture, the fabled moment when the true are sucked bodily up into heaven while the rest of us eat at Hardee’s, actually happened way back in 1978. One person made the cut: Norma Greeler, a charming and God-fearing lady, and a very sweet virgin, who was also blind and deaf from a circus accident she had when she was ten...

In music news, here in 2095, well, there is no music. It’s all been replaced by scratch and sniff. You guys really should have seen that coming. I guess we all should have...

Anyway, gotta run (oh, yeah, Danzig, run... you have no legs. DEAR JESUS, I HAVE NO LEGS! Not since...). A final bonus: for all you sports fans out there, here’s who wins the 2001 World Series: the Alberta Priap-p-p-p-

pppppp. . .

—logout—

{Not a minute too soon}