Kyle Hogg's Best Day Ever!

At this time of year with the temperature rising and the Cats covered with filthy infested tics and fleas I like to get a warm six pack of Pabst and sit on the porch in Mudie's shorty bathrobe and think about the good times I've had.

After the third or fourth beer, when the heat has really kicked in and I've got the robe hanging down to my privates, I always bust out laughing and lean over the porch rail and puke. This clears my head so that it's not all fuzzy and cloudy when I think about my best day ever.

It was probably about 15 or 16 years ago and I was at home trying to decide if I should get out of bed and try to catch the last two classes at school or if I should just get up and brush my teeth to get a head start on tomorrow.

Anyway, I was laying there listening to a Bob Marley 8-track and the phone rang. It was Justin, saying he had scored a bag of pills off a girl at Mary Baldwin and she'd thrown in two tickets to Yahoo Serious / Judy Tenuta show at the Roanoke Coliseum. Knowing what a huge Tenuta fan I was, Justin knew those tickets would make me as happy as one of those shoplifting gypsy gangs at $1 all-you-can-eat-pancake-dinner. We arranged for Justin to pick me up in his mom's car at 6 p.m. for the drive to Roanoke.

I slipped into my slightly risque white tennis shorts with my Myrtle Beach tanktop, powdered my feet with some smelly stuff of my mom's, and at six on the dot Justin rolled up like the King of Laredo. His eyes were dilated and he didn't say a word the whole drive to Roanoke-- I think cuz of the pills-- but we made excellent time and I got a chance to flip through some pornos he'd stolen from his neighbor while the guy was at work.

Have you ever seen a girl with a penis? Freaky.

Anyway, we got there and Yahoo rocked and Judy did her entire set exactly the same as her Showtime special so you know it was funny as hell and I laughed my butt off. Justin kind of woke up during the second half hour of Judy's set and seemed to enjoy himself.

I told him, "Man, that was the best night of my life."

He said, "See you tomorrow" and sped away.

And that night as I crawled into bed I thought to myself, "My feet still smell good from that powder." Life is sweet.

--- Kyle Hogg